Jewish Action and Training

How do I know if I’m gay/lesbian?

There is no easy way to determine if you are gay/lesbian, straight or bisexual. There are no scientific tests or stereotypes that determine your sexuality. You will find out through experience and feelings.

The most important thing is to be honest with your feelings and see where they take you. Sexuality is no easy ride; you have a whole host of emotions to deal with, not to mention the physical changes associated with maturing and becoming sexual beings.

Virtually everyone will have feelings for someone of the same sex at some stage in their life. It is just a natural part of sexual development. However if these feelings are more frequent or long lasting then it may be more significant.

How Do I Tell Someone I’m Gay?

Don’t rush into giving yourself a label and coming out in public too early. This is a very personal thing and you may need to be fully comfortable with your feelings before broadcasting them to your world. It is also important to decide carefully who you tell first as that experience can influence future attempts. Choose someone with whom you feel comfortable. That may be a parent or grandparent, teacher or friend of the family or one of your own friends. The important thing is to make time and be in a private space before trying to start the conversation. Some people may not know what to say at first - give them time to process the information that you’ve been thinking about for ages.

You don’t have to change yourself or your social life just because you have a different sexual preference to the rest of your friends. Life can continue normally, however it may help you to read books or articles written by or about people who have gone through the same thing as you.

You may also want to join a club or society run by gay/lesbian people for gay/lesbian people, it will give you the support of people who understand much of what you are going through, and will be especially helpful if you feel uncomfortable discussing things with your friends.

Just because you have decided your sexual orientation does not mean you have to have an intimate relationship or sex with the first person you find attractive or who approaches you. Give it time and only get intimate when you feel safe and ready.

Don’t forget that it doesn’t matter if you are gay/lesbian, straight or bisexual. If you are having sex, have safe sex to reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancy and getting any sexually transmitted infections (STIs) – you do not know the history of the person with whom you want to be intimate. You may both want to attend a GUM clinic for a sexual health check.

I’m scared to have sex for the first time. . .

Before you proceed into something new and intense with your partner, it is really important to make sure that you are both completely honest with yourselves and each other about the level of intimacy that you both want and feel comfortable with. Lack of communication will lead to misunderstandings. Sometimes it is very helpful to talk things through with someone else you trust. This could be a friend, sibling, parent or another adult. Sex for the first time can be daunting. STIs, pregnancy, what others will think of you, pain, religion, etc are all thoughts that may be going round in your head.

In Jewish tradition, sex is not considered shameful, sinful or obscene. In Judaism, sex is not just a way of experiencing physical pleasure and is permitted only within marriage. It is an act of immense significance which requires commitment and responsibility. The primary purpose of sex is to reinforce the loving marital bond between husband and wife.

Your virginity is something to be very proud of and should only be shared with someone you love when you are in a trusting and committed relationship. Once the decision is made to have sex for the first time, it cannot be undone. If these decisions are rushed or if the situation is affected by the use of alcohol or drugs the repercussions can be physical, emotional and/or social. The legal age of consent to participate in sexual intercourse is 16. However, everyone is different and is ready to continue further into a relationship at different times and at different stages of their lives.

Some things to think about before making a rushed decision:

• What is it that is scaring you?
• If someone is pressurising you to go further than you wish then they are not responding to you or acting respectfully toward you.
• Not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes it feels like everyone is “doing it,” it is important to realize that this is not true. People often talk about sex in a casual manner, but this doesn’t mean they are actually having sex.
• Hollywood doesn’t show the full story. Sexual situations are everywhere in our culture. They are on television, in movies and even in commercials and magazines. This is part of the reason why we enjoy these things so much. Just remember: characters in these movies, television shows, and advertisements are actors and actresses and it’s not real. They won’t get unwanted pregnancies and STIs. You can.

Knowing how you feel about yourself is the first big step in handling peer pressure. It’s OK to want to enjoy your teen years and all the fun times that can be had. It’s OK to respect yourself enough to say, “No, I’m not ready to have sex.”